Monday, March 20, 2006

Ugly Love: A Story of Gross Misconduct

While Y.E.L.R.A is all for love and a couple's right to give each other affection there is a line that must not be crossed. I say this because Saturday night was chock full of ugly love.

The first instance of ugly love arrived when a man and a women used the restroom. After they finished they decided to sit on a chair right outside of the restroom and make out. Seeing as how there is no door to the restroom I had full view of their actions. I tried to ignore it as much as possible. Yet, I could not prevent myself from checking from time to time to see if they were still going at it. For a full fifteen minutes they sat on the chair, feeling each other up, and attempting to swallow each other. That was a long fifteen minutes.

About halfway into this ordeal I walked into the storeroom -- which was nearby the happy couple -- to talk to one of the bartenders who had also been witnessing the whole ordeal. Before I could get a word in edgewise, she blurted, "What's with the ugly love out there?"

"I don't know," I replied. "I just came back here to just say 'eww'."

"It's gross," the bartender said. "At one point I opened the door and he had his hands between her legs and he was rubbing her."

"Oh lord, that's so wrong," quipped a nearby waiter.

Indeed it was so wrong. They eventually left the lower level to continue their Winter Dance makeout session upstairs in front of God, the bartenders, and the rest of creation. That was after they stood in front of the elevator door grinding each other for a few minutes.

Later in the evening I crossed paths with a middle-aged woman who claimed to be an eye doctor. Her hair was long, curly, and bleached blonde. She had a nose that I would describe as Roman. Plus, her tits were fake. She wanted the whole world to know that she was proud of them as well because she wore a low cut shirt that exposed her abnormal cleavage.

I'm of the belief that there should not be a canyon between each breast. However, I digress...

At one point she was washing her hands with two of her middle-aged male cohorts. One decided -- mid-handwash mind you -- to press his face into her boobs and start kissing them. Instead of slapping him or kneeing him in his crotch (as she should have for such behavior) she just laughed it off. She then admitted that she liked it because he was cute.

For the record he was not cute. He was a bit sleazy and greasy but with money. That's not to say that this woman had high standards. Nor does it say that she wasn't a bit insecure about herself. If the fake boobs didn't expose her insecurity the conversation she had with a man earlier in the evening did. He said she looked like Sarah Jessica Parker. She was extremely flattered by that.

Call be crazy, but if I was told that I looked like Dee Snider in drag I would not be too flattered by that.

The conversation between Dee and her male friends exposed their shallowness. To make it easy on you the woman will continue being called "Dee" and the boob guy will be called "Boob Guy." His friend will be called "Other Guy" because "Middle-Aged Divorcee Uncomfortable in His Own Skin" is too long.

Dee: "I had three sips of wine. I had to stop."

Boob Guy: "Did you get drunk?"

Dee: "No, I was feeling it a little bit. I've never been drunk."

Boob Guy: "Never?"

Dee: "No, never!"

Boob Guy: "I've been drunk 3,676 times!"

Other Guy: (laughing) "I can attest to that. As someone who has soberly beared witness to that many times, I can attest to that."


A little later on Dee and her friend were conversing in the restroom. Dee's friend was middle aged as well. It also struck me that she was wearing control top pantyhose under her slacks. Despite the fact that these woman were in their forties they spoke to each other as if they were still in high school. They talked about how cute some guy was and how Dee was going to set up Control Top with one of her friends who was "very interested in meeting her."

I suppose it just went along with the theme of Saturday night which will be forever remembered as Winter Dance 2006: Ugly Love.


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