Friday, March 24, 2006

Please, for God's Sake, Leave Me Alone

Suit: "Is there a lot of drug use in this bathroom?"

The Happiest Place on Earth

German Lady #1: "Have you been to Disneyland?"

German Lady #2: "In Los Angeles?"

GL #1: "Yes."

GL #2: "Oh, yes."

GL #1: "Well, this bathroom is so much like Disneyland. You know what I am talking about? Alice in Wonderland!"

GL #2: "Oh, yes."

Y.E.L.R.A.: "Or Mr. Toad's Wild Ride."

GL #1: "Oooh. That, too."

Well, La Di Da!

After admiring the sink.

Man: "We were doing this remodeling deal and my architect tried to talk me into formed concrete counter tops. I told him 'no'."

Filipina: "How many people can say 'my architect'? That's the difference between you and me, Joe. You can claim to have an architect."

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Yeah, But I Only Have Water

Guy: "Can I order a drink from you?"

Apparently There Are Stupid Questions

Guy: "Is the water infused with some sort of antibacterial?"

Y.E.L.R.A: "Sir, the soap is right in front of you."

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

I'm Detecting a Pattern Here

After explaining how to turn on faucet:

Drunk Guy: "I'm... I'm kinda retarded."


Same situation, different guy:

Different Drunk Guy: "Oh yeah. I forgot. Maybe it's because every time I'm in here I'm hammered."

Her Mother Forgot to Tell Her Just One Thing About Boys

Woman in Stall #1: "Are you sitting or standing?"

Man in Stall #2: "I'm standing!"

Monday, March 20, 2006

Ugly Love: A Story of Gross Misconduct

While Y.E.L.R.A is all for love and a couple's right to give each other affection there is a line that must not be crossed. I say this because Saturday night was chock full of ugly love.

The first instance of ugly love arrived when a man and a women used the restroom. After they finished they decided to sit on a chair right outside of the restroom and make out. Seeing as how there is no door to the restroom I had full view of their actions. I tried to ignore it as much as possible. Yet, I could not prevent myself from checking from time to time to see if they were still going at it. For a full fifteen minutes they sat on the chair, feeling each other up, and attempting to swallow each other. That was a long fifteen minutes.

About halfway into this ordeal I walked into the storeroom -- which was nearby the happy couple -- to talk to one of the bartenders who had also been witnessing the whole ordeal. Before I could get a word in edgewise, she blurted, "What's with the ugly love out there?"

"I don't know," I replied. "I just came back here to just say 'eww'."

"It's gross," the bartender said. "At one point I opened the door and he had his hands between her legs and he was rubbing her."

"Oh lord, that's so wrong," quipped a nearby waiter.

Indeed it was so wrong. They eventually left the lower level to continue their Winter Dance makeout session upstairs in front of God, the bartenders, and the rest of creation. That was after they stood in front of the elevator door grinding each other for a few minutes.

Later in the evening I crossed paths with a middle-aged woman who claimed to be an eye doctor. Her hair was long, curly, and bleached blonde. She had a nose that I would describe as Roman. Plus, her tits were fake. She wanted the whole world to know that she was proud of them as well because she wore a low cut shirt that exposed her abnormal cleavage.

I'm of the belief that there should not be a canyon between each breast. However, I digress...

At one point she was washing her hands with two of her middle-aged male cohorts. One decided -- mid-handwash mind you -- to press his face into her boobs and start kissing them. Instead of slapping him or kneeing him in his crotch (as she should have for such behavior) she just laughed it off. She then admitted that she liked it because he was cute.

For the record he was not cute. He was a bit sleazy and greasy but with money. That's not to say that this woman had high standards. Nor does it say that she wasn't a bit insecure about herself. If the fake boobs didn't expose her insecurity the conversation she had with a man earlier in the evening did. He said she looked like Sarah Jessica Parker. She was extremely flattered by that.

Call be crazy, but if I was told that I looked like Dee Snider in drag I would not be too flattered by that.

The conversation between Dee and her male friends exposed their shallowness. To make it easy on you the woman will continue being called "Dee" and the boob guy will be called "Boob Guy." His friend will be called "Other Guy" because "Middle-Aged Divorcee Uncomfortable in His Own Skin" is too long.

Dee: "I had three sips of wine. I had to stop."

Boob Guy: "Did you get drunk?"

Dee: "No, I was feeling it a little bit. I've never been drunk."

Boob Guy: "Never?"

Dee: "No, never!"

Boob Guy: "I've been drunk 3,676 times!"

Other Guy: (laughing) "I can attest to that. As someone who has soberly beared witness to that many times, I can attest to that."


A little later on Dee and her friend were conversing in the restroom. Dee's friend was middle aged as well. It also struck me that she was wearing control top pantyhose under her slacks. Despite the fact that these woman were in their forties they spoke to each other as if they were still in high school. They talked about how cute some guy was and how Dee was going to set up Control Top with one of her friends who was "very interested in meeting her."

I suppose it just went along with the theme of Saturday night which will be forever remembered as Winter Dance 2006: Ugly Love.

Friday, March 17, 2006

On Good Turn Deserves Another

Short Guy with Lisp: "I'm rich, but this bathroom is better than mine!"

What is the correct response to that one? I would probably prefer, "Thank you for telling me that, sir. Now, I am going to fart on your head."

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Maya Deren is Spinning in Her Grave

Drunk Guy: "This place is so avant garde!"

Y.E.L.R.A.: "Oh, really?"

Sad to say that this is not the first time someone has described the restroom as an artistic movement that pushes the boundaries of what is considered the norm. In retrospect, these people are technically correct, but I doubt that it applies to a place to pee. Unless you're talking about works done by Marcel Duchamp. Alas, it's already been done. Therefore I conclude that the restroom is far from avant garde.

By the way, the obscure reference in the title of today's post is dedicated to DDETHOMAS and his Painted Ground blog. The one that was linked on SFist yesterday.


Monday, March 13, 2006

The Entertainment Continues

So, Friday night was chock full of fun. There was a camera crew hanging around. Not only did they have two cameras shooting their pilot, but they were lighting up the place like a cheap Christmas tree.

That last statement made no sense. I'm leaving it in anyway.

Some people really need to be hit over the head with a mallet. Take the teenage girl that asked me the following question:

Teen Girl: "So, is there some sort of production going on here or something?"

Gee, I wonder why she thought that.

Later in the evening the crew brought the lovely couple downstairs so they could share some private time. They strategically hid the cameras behind slightly ajar doors so it wasn't so obvious. They also gave the couple copious amounts of alcohol so they would feel comfortable around the cameras. The secrets of reality television. Now you know why everyone slept with each other on The Real World Las Vegas.

Another thing was that the rest of the guests were advised to use the elevator should they need to visit the restroom. If they took the stairs, they would find themselves walking right in front of cameras. The elevators are right in front of the restroom, so the restaurant's patrons would not be in the way.

Of course that did not stop some people. One woman tried to look around and get in the way of the camera. When I let her know that it was advisable that she not get in the way of the production she argued with me. She knew for a fact that they were no longer shooting. Of course, she then acted as though I was the idiot.

I came to the conclusion Friday night that I was tired of being put down by these people. Next time I'm kicking them in their butts.

One man came down to use the restroom. When he was done, the following conversation occurred:

Man: "Is there a bar down here?'

Y.E.L.R.A.: "No, sir."

Man: "So, this couple is hanging down here for no reason?"

Y.E.L.R.A.: "No, they are being filmed."

Man: "For what?"

Y.E.L.R.A.: "A TV show for ABC."

Man: "A TV show?"

Y.E.L.R.A.: "Yes."

The elevator then opened and he went upstairs. I just wonder what he was thinking about when he saw the large, bright fill light that was right next to the elevator. Y'know, the one that was clipped onto the wall using a clip. Did he see the multiple extension cords taped to the wall with gaffer tape?

I'll bet his thoughts were like this:

Man: "Hmm... Interesting decor. I should do that to my house."

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Thats Entertainment!

Excitement galore this Friday night in Y.E.L.R.A.Land when TV came a-knockin'. Of course I was not involved. Thankfully. Turns out ABC filmed a reality date show at the restaurant in a vain attempt to milk more money out of a soon-to-be-dead form of "entertainment." It had something to do with a man and a woman eating dinner, talking and... Excuse me for a moment...

Okay... Back to the show. Apparently some people were oblivious to the fact that there was a production going on. I'll tell their stories a little later in the week.

The following conversation occurred when the production crew was looking around for places to shoot.

Production Guy #1: "What we could do is shoot in the restroom. They could get on top of the sink and just push everything to the ground. Then they could just start having sex right there. All the faucets should be on, too."

Y.E.L.R.A.: "That would get ratings."

Production Guy #2: "That would kill in the ratings."

Thankfully a camera never entered the restroom. I did get a front row seat for everything. Oh the stories I have. Well, not really. Just a few. Possibly just filler or an opportunity for Y.E.L.R.A. to complain about the stupidity of people and reality TV. You be the judge.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Rave Reviews!

Drunk Guy: "This is my funnest trip to the bathroom ever."

He Got the Idea at Pac... um... SBC... oh, AT&T Park

Guy: "Can I give you some advice?"

Y.E.L.R.A.: "Sure."

Guy: "You should tell your boss that you need cupholders in the stalls."

Y.E.L.R.A.: "Oh! Really?"

Guy: "Yeah. 'Cuz sometimes you want to bring your cocktail with you."

Y.E.L.R.A.: "Well. I will definitely keep that in mind."

Guy: "Yeah. I'm always looking for ways to improve places."

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

The Mayans Aren't Sacrificing up River

Guy: "Is there soap in the water, or am I just crazy?"

Y.E.L.R.A.: "You're just crazy."

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Ciao, Bella!

Two women stand in front of the wall of mirrors and fix their makeup. I only heard bits and pieces. Wish I had heard the whole conversation.

Woman #1: "When we both dump our boyfriends we should totally go there."

Woman #2: "Oh, totally."


Woman #1: "We should be bad and wear thongs all the time."


Woman #1: "I've always wanted a pool boy."

Woman #2: "A pool boy?"

Woman #2: "Yeah, preferably Italian."

Monday, March 06, 2006

Brokeback Bathroom

That title would have been funnier a couple of months ago. Now everyone has an excuse to make gay jokes. Take these retards for example:

Guy #1: You want to share a stall?

Guy #2: Depends. Are you a pitcher or a catcher?

Guy #1: (Raises hand and does best "gay" voice) Bottom!

I'd like to announce that the word "Brokeback" has officially been retired from the lexicon.

I'm not disappointed that it didn't win for best picture. I'm disappointed that Crash won for stating the obvious. Repeatedly. Over and over again. Many times. Nonstop. Oh, and for stating the obvious. Over and over again.

Wake me when Terrence Malick wins an Oscar.

We'll return to our regularly scheduled program tomorrow.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Mantra: "Don't Hit Women, Don't Hit Women, Dont..."

Vile, Witch of a Woman: "What are these tips for?"

Y.E.L.R.A.: "Ummm... For me?"

Vile, Witch of a Woman: "No, but what are they there for?"

Y.E.L.R.A.: "Well... So I can pay my bills."

Vile, Witch of a Woman: "No, why should I tip you?"

Y.E.L.R.A.: "Ma'am, it's not an obligation."

Vile, Witch of a Woman: "Yeah, but why would I tip you? What do you add to the overall quality of the restaurant?"

Y.E.L.R.A.: (speechless)

Vile, Witch of a Woman: "If you can tell me why I should tip you..."

Y.E.L.R.A.: "Okay. Thanks. Bye."


A Scottish Woman tries to enter a stall that is occupied.

Y.E.L.R.A: "These stalls are open over here."

Scottish Woman: "What's the difference?"

Y.E.L.R.A: "Ummm... They're open and there's no one in them."

Scottish Woman: "Sounds good to me."

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Off the Toilet, but Not Off the Subject

Bathroom related material:

A Flickr set of Restroom Signs.

If you have your own, the poster has also set up a public group.

Later She Claimed She was a Member of Mensa

Blonde: "So, when I left my hotel this evening a homeless lady asked me for some money. I was hesitant because I only like to give money if it's deserving or a gift. So, she was like, 'You have a Gucci purse, but you won't give me a dollar?' It's actually Prada. That's the problem with being in a city. Everyone expects you to give them money."

The Tale of Three Ultra-Cool Black Men Strikes Back

UCBM #1 tries to throw his paper towel in the trashcan. He misses despite the fact that he is standing right next to the trashcan.

UCBM #1: And, I used to play basketball.

UCBM #2: Sure you did.

Why Me?

Old Guy: "What? They couldn't afford two bathrooms?"