Tuesday, February 28, 2006

The Tale of Three Ultra-Cool Black Men

Ultra-Cool Black Man #1: "It's about time we get out of here."

UCBM #2: "Naw, man. I'm cool here."

UCBM #3: " Naw, we can just go to the place down the street."

UCBM #2: "Is it good?"

UCBM #1: "It's all right."

UCBM #2: "As long as I can shake my butt... "

UCBM #1: "... That's all that matters."

( NOTE: UCBM #2 had a mohawk that I so dearly wanted for myself, but knew that it would not look very good on me. Oh dear! Sometimes I wish I was ultra-cool! I swear he looked liked he belonged in Bloc Party)

We Haven't Got That Far with Technology

Chinese Guy #1: "Did you figure out the faucets?"

Chinese Guy #2: "Yeah. I thought at first if I said, 'turn on!' it would turn on. I finally figured it out."

Monday, February 27, 2006

The Soap Comes from Safeway

Woman #1: Mmm... Smell the soap. It smells so good.

Woman #2: (no response)

Woman #1: Why are you holding your nose?

Woman #2: Well, you never know what people are doing in here.

Woman #1: Huh?

Woman #2: I'm a bit O.C.D.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Our Lady of the Porcelain God

Woman: "I feel like I'm in Church!"

Friday, February 24, 2006

What I Don't Want to Hear From You When You Are a Foot Away From Me:

Guy: "I think I'm getting the flu, dude. This is not good."

Thursday, February 23, 2006

The Dumbest Quote You Will Read All Day

Moron: "I feel like I'm in Mesopotamian times."

See... told you.

This Guy Needs to Finish His...

Y.E.L.R.A.: "Have a good night..."

Man With Odd Eye: "Good night. (pause) And your position here is... ?"

Y.E.L.R.A: "I'm the restroom attendant, sir."

Man With Odd Eye: "Oh, I was just wondering. I... uh..."

He then sped off.

You Say Communal, I Say Unisex

Man: "Oooh... This place is hip. Is this communal?"

Y.E.L.R.A.: "Yes."

Man: "Where are the communal showers? Ha ha! Communal showers."

I Don't Want to Know How He Knows... Y'Know?

Man: "These are the same sinks they have in San Quentin."

Monday, February 20, 2006

Some People Just Shouldn't Drink

Take this woman for example.

At 9:00 on Saturday evening her friends helped her get to the bathroom. She fell at least one time. I was a little alarmed to see that this was going on because it was too early for these sort of shenanigans. I usually see this sort of thing after the 11:00pm mark. However, time is relative and all that.

She went into one of the stalls while her friends waited for her. They apologized to me and I let them know it was okay. It happens.

"Sometimes it's best to just let it out," one friend said. "It makes you feel better."

I agreed. I then commented that I thought it was a tad early to be so drunk. Their response was that she had been drinking since 6pm. Well, that made sense to me. She was a rather petite woman. Plus, you can do a lot of damage in three hours.

Once the woman was done, she came out to wash her hands. In mid wash she turned around and entered a handicapped stall. Once again, she was in there for a few minutes. When she came out she apologized, saying that she made a mess in the sink.

What else could I do? I had to let her know that everything would be just fine and that I would take care of it. After she left, I entered the stall and checked out the sink. Not only did she vomit in there, she clogged the sink as well. I wanted nothing to do with that stall. Therefore, I closed it and considered it off limits the rest of the evening.

Luckily it was an uneventful night , so it wasn't an issue.

I spoke to the server that waited Drunken Barfing Woman's table. We got on the subject of how drunk the woman was. The server said that she didn't even drink that much. All she saw her drink was a half of a kir royale and a two sips of a glass of wine.

Not only was she a charming conversationalist, she was a cheap date.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Mental Note: Don't Place Trashcan Near Sink

A woman in her late 60s/early 70s walked in. She had a stunned look on her face.

I turned to greet her. "Looking for the restroom?" I asked.

"Yes," she replied.

"Okay, this stall over here is available."

She stood in front of the stall soor with an astonished look on her face. This look was akin to Early Man discovering the Monolith in Stanley Kubrick's 2001.

"Dis is dee bathroom?" she asked in a her German-accented English.

"Yes ma'am," I stated.

She just continued to stare.

"Just push open the door."

"What?" she replied. She then pushed the door. "Oh, I see."

When she was finished, she came out and looked around. She seemed confused. I knew that she was looking for the sink. Before I could say anything she asked, "Where do you vash your hands?"

"Right here," I said as I pointed towards the sink.

"Vat? In dee trashcan?"

She almost stuck her head in there. I had to clarify my statement.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Misanthropy and the Ramblings of a Tired Y.E.L.R.A.

The brainiacs that organized the Halloween Party* were up to no good again this Saturday night. It was the same situation as last time, except no costumes. I assume it had something to do with Valentine's Day. Thankfully no one was dressed as Cupid.

Your Ever Lovin' Restroom Attendant was on a warpath yet again. I came to a conclusion early in the evening that I was not going to take shit from anyone. First of all, I was really tired. I had about 4 hours of sleep the previous night. The main reason was our next door neighbor decided to bang on his garage wall with a hammer at 8 am. That's 8 am on a Saturday morning. Jackass. Secondly, I'm currently feeling a little burnt out. I really hate everyone that comes into the restaurant. Misanthropy is so satisfying sometimes.

I was enforcing the "one person per stall" law all night. At one point, these women would not listen to me. Then came the best moment of the night.

"I'm just giving her a tampon!" one of the ladies screamed.

I hear that a lot. To me, it's a lame excuse. Why don't women just hand each other the damn tampon? Is it such a secretive thing. I knew in grade school that women menstruate. I don't think that it's anything new. From what I understand this sort of thing has been happening for quite some time. However, what came next was priceless. The guy that was helping me screamed three times louder, "Hey! Now everybody knows!"

I don't know why that makes me giggle.

I have a few more stories to tell. For now, I must sleep.


*check archives for late October/early November for more

Thursday, February 09, 2006

There's Someone for Everyone

A guy brought a group of friends into the restroom and pointed out one of the handicapped stalls.

"... and then I walked into the stall and she followed me in," he continued. "She then started hitting on me."

The crowd was astonished and replied with things like "No!" and "What did you do?"

"I got out of there and ran upstairs."

After hearing this I was a bit intrigued. I was also a bit amused. The image of a man running away at the sight of a woman in his bathroom stall seems a bit comical to me. I desired so much to hear the whole story, but I wasn't going to overstep my boundaries.

Later in the evening he came back into the restroom.

"Did you hear my story?" he asked.

"I heard a little bit of it," I explained. "She followed you into stall?"

"Yeah," he continued. "She was hitting on me all night at the bar. I thought I could get away from her when I went to the bathroom. She was this big, fat black woman."

"Oh," I replied.

I have to admit that I was taken aback by this last statement. An alarm went off immediately in my head accusing this guy as being racist. I'm sure I'm wrong about that. It's just that I always equate people with money as hating anyone that's not white. After careful consideration I concluded that he was just not attracted to big, fat black women.

Plus, I had a sneaky suspicion that he was not attracted to women at all.

To each his own.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Me am Liking Bizarro Weekend. Me am Serious!


Talk about a Bizarro weekend. Something about the moon's gravitational pull or unexpected reactions to comic strips threw the weekend off. Nothing went according to plan.

The crowd was odd. None of the restaurants usual crowd came by. Usually I recognize several faces in the crowd, but not a damn soul. Alas. I don't know what we did to deserve that one.

To start things off, on Friday night one of the supports for a couple of stall doors broke. Yes, that's right. A two-inch thick piece of wood broke. For the life of me I can't figure that one out. It wasn't much of an issue until Saturday night when I realized that it was dangerously close to collapsing. As our only solution, I had to put "OUT OF ORDER" signs on those stall doors. I was short two stalls for the night. That immediately threw off my balance.

I had these images running through my mind of the door collapsing and falling on someone unsuspectingly washing their hands. Secretly I would have enjoyed seeing that. However, I would have never forgiven myself if someone got seriously injured.

To add to the chaos of the evening, the crowd was just a little odd. My favorite person to pick on/enemy of the evening was this man was incredibly annoying. Everything he said just made me want to kick him in his privates. I overheard his conversation on his cell phone with a friend:

Man: "Hey bro! ... Yeah, I'm with some out of town friends. ... Exactly! They'll probably be running around taking pictures of the most monotonous things... "

This, coming from the guy who had an enormous pot belly and was wearing a pair of flip-flops that were on sale at K-Mart for $4. He also had a well-manicured beard and his hair was frosted. I was surprised that people still got their hair frosted. Being from the Mid-West I'm accustomed to seeing women with frosted hair when I go back for a visit. It never surprises me. However, I like to think that Californians are above these sort of things. I like to think that I live in the center of high culture and all that. What was this guy thinking?

Scratch that, what was his wife thinking when she said that it looked okay? He pointed out a woman to me and said that they had been married for 21 years. I'll have to admit that I was shocked that he even had a wife. It's not like he was repulsive, it's just that I pictured him trolling the bear bars looking for a bottom.

Perhaps they married for money.

Whatever. I was glad to see that drunk people can at least read. No one accidentally stumbled into one of the affected stalls, causing a chain reaction of collapsing doors.

Before I leave you, I will give you a few examples of what it is like to interact with a tired, grumpy Y.E.L.R.A. As you will find out, my sarcasm levels rise:

Scene 1: Two women try to enter a stall together.

Y.E.L.R.A.: Ladies, I can only allow one person per stall.

Woman: Are you serious?

Y.E.L.R.A.: I am, otherwise I wouldn't have said that.

Guy: He's always serious.

I have no idea who the hell that guy was, but he deserves a knee in the groin.

Scene 2: Guy enters restroom, I point out an open stall.

Guy: (looking around) Where are the pissers?

Y.E.L.R.A.: Open the stall door and find out for yourself.

and... Cut!

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Pardon My Manness for a Sec...

Two women were standing next to each other, washing their hands, and talking. Woman #1 was remarking to the other how cute Woman #2's date was. She pointed out that when Woman #2 left to go use the restroom he was looking around, waiting for her, and really had nothing else to do. She said that was really cute.

Then Woman #2 reached over and started making out with Woman #1.

I swear I am not making this up. This is so much like my dreams it's uncanny.

Woman #2's date is either setting himself up for a huge disappointment or perhaps had an very interesting night last evening. If I understand about this stuff correctly -- and I base this judgment entirely from watching Chasing Amy several times -- he might experience both, with the disappointment coming later rather than sooner.

At least he'll have something to tell his grandkids.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Don't Ask Me How I Knew

Peter North dined at our fine establishment the other night.

I really don't have much to say about this. I just thought it was an interesting conversation starter. Or possibly a conversation killer.


The Valet Wars

The other night one of the valets told me that some residents of an apartment building across the street from the restaurant have started a mini war. These residents are apparently upset that the valets take up all the parking spaces on the street. They've threatened to get the valets fired.

I understand the frustration over parking spaces, especially in this city. However, these residents are about the dumbest people in the world. They live across from three fine dining establishments. Valets come with the territory. Plus, you can't blame the valets. To use a common phrase, they're only doing their jobs.

They've apparently swept their building manager into this mini war. He complained to the general managers of all the restaurants that the valets have been urinating on his building. Which is very ridiculous because I see the valets using the restroom all the time. Thankfully none of the GMs of the restaurants are taking this seriously.

The sad thing is that the building has it own parking garage that is huge. It can accommodate a couple hundred cars. I think their are more spaces than apartments. Plus, it's private so no one using the nearby businesses can use it. The best I can figure is that these people who are complaining are too damned cheap to pay for a monthly parking space. Which is brilliant. Live in the one of the most expensive parts of town, but don't pay for a parking space.

Money does not buy intelligence.