Angry Women + Unisex Restroom = Bad News

Your Ever-Lovin' Restroom Attendant tries to keep his cool when people criticize him. "Take things with a grain of salt," I always say. For example, when an older lady walked into the restroom last weekend and gave me a death stare for her duration in the restroom, I shrugged it off. It was obvious that she resented my presence. It's not like I have any choice, right? It's my job.

However, the icing on the cake was when a woman and her female partner attempted to go into a stall together. I kindly let them know that I could only allow one per stall. I then pointed out that there were numerous stalls open. The woman --- let's call her Evil Elizabeth --- objected to this.

"This is bullshit," Evil Elizabeth screamed. She entered the stall and slammed the door.

Yes, kids, adults act this way sometimes as well.

After finishing her business, she washed her hands and spoke to her friend. "How do you like having a bathroom monitor?" Evil Elizabeth quipped. Your Ever-Lovin Restroom Attendant couldn't help to overhear this because she was speaking rather loud. I knew that it was directed to me. I kept my cool even when she finished her statement with, "It's just like third grade, huh?"

Yes, just like third grade, with one exception: you've finally come out of the closet. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't discriminate towards anyone. I did get the impression that she was of the class of women who don't like men very much. This has nothing to do with sexuality. It has to do a personal hatred towards males. She also is the type of person who wants everyone to know that men are absolutely evil. I'm sure we've all come across this type of women over the years. Speaking from the male perspective I feel that I've done nothing personally to this women except do my job. She hates me. It's one of the moments when I know what it's like to be discriminated against. It isn't a great feeling. That's not to say that the person discriminating is in the right, either.

However, I digress. Before they left, her partner wondered outloud, "What if a guy pees on the toilet seat in here? Well, hopefully someone will clean it up."

I won't go on about the possibilities of women peeing on the toilet here. I just wish that the next time I see these women coming that someone had peed on the toilet seat. I will direct them to that stall.

That would be so much fun.

Bwah?!

O brothers and sisters, Your Ever-Lovin' Restroom Attendant has returned from his vacation at the Painted Ground. Sorry to be away for so long. It's been a hectic week. School started this week. Add that to the fact that it's been a hectic several days at the ol' place of employment and you have had one tired Y.E.L.R.A.

However, I can assure you that it has not been for naught. I have many fun stories to share. I must make this post brief, unfortunately.

The best quote of this evening comes from a woman who approached me and in a low voice asked, "Do you know where to get some blow? My friends wanted me to ask you. They thought you might know."

Yes, brothers and sisters, Y.E.L.R.A. was not prepared for that one.

Just for the record I had to inform her that I did not know. I'm willing to sell things such as cigarettes and condoms to make some extra cash. But, a line has to be drawn somewhere. I'd say at anything that would cause me to be charged with a felony.

Until next time...

Note to self: purchase roach spray

Your Ever-Lovin' Restroom Attendant was traveling home last night when he came across the biggest cockroach he had ever seen. Now, you can't tell from this picture, but that thing was friggin' huge. It tried to rob me.

Crazy Thursdays

Your Ever-Lovin' Restroom Attendant had the strangest night last night. Thursday night was full of drunk baby boomers and a cavalcade of blondes, one which complimented me for my shiney shoes. She also happened to be three sheets to the wind.

The highlight of my evening, however, came rather early. I've chose to present this in script form.

INT. RESTROOM -- EVENING

A slightly balding MAN enters the restroom holding a glass of red wine. He looks around, rather confused at what he sees.

MAN:
Where are the urinals?

YOUR EVER-LOVIN' RESTROOM ATTENDANT:
Sir, there are no urinals. This is a unisex restroom

MAN:
(looks around again)
You're not kidding, are you?

Y.E.L.R.A.:
Sir, I have no reason to kid you.

MAN:
What do I have to do, sit down in order to go to the bathroom?

Y.E.L.R.A.:
No, sir. You can stand up. You do that at home, don't you?

MAN:
I'll find a bush outside, thanks.

The man leaves the restroom. Your Ever-Lovin' Restroom Attendant stands there, his jaw touching the ground.

Wha... ?

Topic: A woman's comment about the restroom.

Woman: This is just like New York! But, no offense, if this was New York, you'd be Chinese.

Discuss!

Personality types (#1 in a series)

There are numerous types of people who enter into the restroom. I've compiled a list just for the hell of it.

Personality Type #1: The Neandertal

This type of human being tends to speak in monosyllabic sentences when greeted by Your Ever-Lovin' Restroom Attendant. There are many theories as to why they speak so. The most universally accepted is that they are not too comfortable with the fact that there is someone speaking to them in a restroom. Other accepted theories include: they are shy, they really need to go bad, or they are just self-absorbed assholes.

An example of a conversation with a Neandertal:

Your Ever-Lovin' Restroom Attendant: Hi, how are you?

Neandertal: Ugh.

(Neandertal leaves restroom)

Your Ever-Lovin' Restroom Attendant: Have a nice evening.

Neandertal: (says nothing)

Neandertals can go so far as using words with more than one syllable. However, it is usually the work "okay," which can sometimes be written as "O.K." Thus, retaining their monosyllabic tendencies.

T.M.I.

Last night I heard, from two different guests, one of the reasons why the restaurant needs a restroom attendant.

Apparently when the place first opened up, people were "fucking like bunnies" in the stalls. This was a big problem that had to be taken care of by the addition of a restroom attendant.

Ewwwwww.

I feel dirty.

Boy! The Japanese Sure Are Weird!

...And I say this purely from a Western point of view.

Last night a late 20s/early 30s Japanese man entered the restroom. He had the coolest outfit on. He was wearing jeans, a sport coat, and a t-shirt. Despite the fact that the restroom is dimly lit, he was wearing a pair of gold-rimmed sunglasses. His frosted, shoulder-length hair was not the best part of his outfit, though. He was wearing snake skin boots with silver tips. He knew he looked cool, too. He was strutting his stuff like Tony Manero.

Sometimes I wish I could pull that off.

Japanese culture is so different from American and European cultures. One can easily spot a Japanese tourist by the way they dress. Those of Japanese ancestry, but were born in the States, don't stand out as much. No one can pull off neon yellow Pumas, red corduroy pants, a velour jacket, a feather boa*, and anime hair quite like a visitor from Tokyo. I really wonder why that is. I know for a fact that I cannot pull it off. Believe me, I've tried. I still have emotional scars that will never go away.

When I was young, my dad used to tell me that Japanese culture was all based on U.S. culture. The United States was the be all and end all for them. It was all about James Dean and Marilyn Monroe. In other words, they ate that shit up. Or, so I was told. How little I knew of Japan back then.

Hell, I still know nothing about Japan. Who am I kidding? I used think I knew so much about Japan because I watched Akira and Ghost in the Shell a butt-load of times. I was so cool back then.

Where am I going with this? Oh, yeah. The Japanese sure are weird from a western eye. I wonder what Japanese tourists say when they look at me? I shudder to think. I have so many complaints about myself that I don't need to add to the list.


*okay... So I exaggerated a bit on that one.
note: Please don't take offense to this post. It's my lame attempt at being funny.

What up, bro?

Last night a man walked in the restroom. As usual, when it is a slow evening, I let him know that all the stalls were empty. His reply was, "Thanks, homey."

Does anyone ever use that term anymore? I mean other than people stuck in the '90s? This guy was obviously not the type of person who should be using that term. Also, I'm not his "homey." I just hate it when perfect strangers love to call me slang terms of endearment as if we're long lost friends. Please don't call me "dude," "pal," "buddy," or "brother." I am none of the above to you. I am a perfect stranger. A nice thanks would suffice.

Of course, this is the same man who pissed all over the toilet seat. You'd think if you live at least 35 years on this earth that you'd learn how to aim. At least put up the seat.

While we're on the subject of this: I think it's wonderful that men lift the seat when they use the restroom. Especially in a unisex restroom. It shows that they listened to their mothers. Plus, it shows respect to other human beings. My only complaint is that most men don't put the seats down when they are done. Remember that next time when you are in a unisex restroom. Lift when ready, put back when done.

There Is No Sex in the Restroom (with apologies to Chris Rock)

Part of my job is to prevent more than one person from going into a stall together. Partially it's because we want to be a professional establishment as possible. It's just not a classy joint if folks are slapping nasties in the restroom. Plus, no one wants to hear someone else having sex in a public restroom. It's just tacky, not to mention a little uncomfortable for the other guests. I'm pretty positive that I don't want to hear it, either. It's pretty unsettling to hear people have sex in a public place. Not that I have any experience in that, but I'm not rushing out to prove my point.

So far, I have had several heterosexual couples try it but I'm too quick for them. I kindly let them know that I cannot allow more than one person per stall. For the most part, they understand. They laugh it off. It's as though they knew they were going to get caught, but tried anyway. Hey, you can't blame them for trying.

Others have tried to pay me off. How much money they are offering me I don't know. I don't look at it. I have to nicely refuse. It's not that I wouldn't mind the money. It's that I am pretty happy to have a job. I don't want that to change for a while. Believe me, I understand what it's like when the moment hits. I'm an adult with my own biological needs.

Another reason I have to prevent couples from entering stalls is that narcotics are still illegal in this country. One evening I tried unsuccessfully to prevent two men from entering a stall. At first, I wasn't sure exactly what they were doing. Thankfully, there are speakers pumping music into the restroom so I could not hear a thing if they had started to get it on. However, when they both emerged from the stall with glassy eyes ten minutes later, I quickly surmised that they were not engaging in any sexual activity. I don't know exactly which drugs they were taking that night, but I have one or two ideas. It's ridiculous because I feel that there are better things to spend your money on.

I could be a hypocrite in that, though. I spend money on alcohol and what does that do for me? It makes me feel great for a few hours. Most of the night I'm traveling to the bathroom to take a piss. You know the old saying: You only rent beer. It's true. Yet, it's a whole helluva lot cheaper than a $3000 a month cocaine habit.

Until next time...

Confessions of a Restoom Attendant

Thanks for stopping by.

Yes, I am a restroom attendant. No, I do not stand next to the sink and hand out towels. Nor do I have a tray full of colognes and a big jar full of combs floating in a strange blue liquid. My job is to oversee a unisex restroom in a very nice restaurant.

Having said that, you can probably surmise that I have an interesting job. I'll have to agree with you. The whole unisex thing is a concept that Americans aren't very used to. In fact, most Americans only know of unisex restrooms through Ally McBeal, which is a point that is brought up to me almost every night. Having men and women use the same bathroom can be trying at times. However, for the most part, it's a fun experience. Normally I like to watch people. It's an interesting time to sit on public transit or on a park bench and watch people. The human race is interesting. Where am I going with this? What I'm trying to say is that I have a lot of stories about what goes on in a unisex restroom. Some will surprise you, others will make you shake your head in disbelief over the way people act towards each other. In all honesty, I have some stories ready to share. Others have not happened yet.

It's going to be interesting...